Road haffi tek on: A Guide to Jamaican Streets

Being on the road in Jamaica is many things; boring is not one.
Tekking on the road in Jamaica can be sometimes hassling, what with the hot sun, the stoplights that rest at red forever, and the pesky transport authority policemen. Nevertheless, there is never a dull moment on the sidewalks and the roadways of Kingston, Jamaica. Whether you find yourself on Princess Street, Acadia Drive, Constant Spring, Hope Road or navigating the most illustrious of neighbourhoods in the hills of Upper St. Andrew, you are in for a treat.

As a pedestrian, one of the first things I noticed was that potholes aren’t limited to the roads themselves. Not to be left out, our sidewalks will kill the sturdiest of heels and sprain the thickest of ankles. Proceed with caution. Be mindful of the vendors who spread their wares on the sidewalk; avoid the handcart man dem and beware of wandering madmen, pickpockets and beggars.

As a female pedestrian, one amazing feature of being on the road is the names men have devised to address women. So far, my absolute favourite is Slim Goodaz. However, also acceptable and quite common are Slimmaz, Slimmie, Empress and Mogulaz. These greetings range from the most basic to the most innovative. Many a time a man will let you know he’d like to wear you or you have birthing hips or him woulda breed yuh. As the years have passed I’ve learnt to either walk straight ahead and pretend not to hear or wave and walk briskly in the opposite direction. If you stop, you’re going to be standing there for a good couple minutes. Jamaican men don’t allow such an opportunity to go to waste and will try to charm your digits out of you for however long it takes. Headphones are always advised.

Do not, and I repeat, do not be rude.
Goodaz, Thickaz and Slimmaz will soon be replaced with the most creative of insults if you dare to be rude. Suck yuh mada is mild compared to the punishment to be received because of snuffing a Jamaican sidewalk man.
Doe dweet.

Another fun feature of being on the road in Jamaica are our street vendors and windshield wipers. No other subset of people in the word have as much exuberance and salesmanship as they do. The typical Jamaican street vendor can rattle off the names, descriptions, prices and benefits of 15 different products in 30 seconds. Equally as interesting is the fact that 5 persons selling the same products at the same prices will occupy the same length of sidewalk at the same time. Every inch of sidewalk in Half Way Tree Square and the heart of Downtown, Kingston is a testament to this. Should I buy a 50 dolla bag of wipes from the lady in the floral skirt or should I buy it from the man with the blue shirt? Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

Fret not, if yuh phone eva run out of credit, or your sandals decided to fail you, there is a faithful streetside vendor with just the fix. If you have a date at 5 o’ clock and you need hair, makeup, nails and the works, just walk to the entrance of any wholesale downtown. Your wish is their command.

Our windshield wipers are fashionistas at heart; handkercheifs, fake tattoo sleeves, coloured pants and tank tops are their preferred drugs. I usually worry that they wouldn’t be able to finish wiping a car glass before the stoplight changes to green, but I’ve never seen one mess up.

Also, to those of you who sit there and allow them to wipe your windshields then refuse to pay them, God nah sleep.

The stars of the show are those who drive on the streets themselves: taxi drivers, coaster bus drivers, your ordinary driver, and a little category for our bike men and bicycle men. These individuals give a whole new meaning to the term road hog, have no respect for the yellow light, are forever asking for a bligh and come up with the most inventive expletives when somebody bad drive dem.

Taxi drivers are the absolute best and by virtue of their sheer lack of mannaz and common courtesy, they are my favourites. Taxi drivers moonlight as story tellers, Nascar drivers, counsellors, killers and drunken sailors. The typical taxi man doesn’t obey the 3 line of traffic rule and is always willing to create a line for himself. Innovative old chap. My most preferred sets of taxi drivers range from those with cars with broken speedometers, doors that only open from the outside and white licence plates.
Avoid the white plate taxi man dem. My advice, find a nice old man. They usually drive within the speed limit.

Coaster drivers don’t merit much mention. However, bus conductors compensate for this. Bus conductors are easily the most aggressive of the people who occupy our road ways. Their road rage is unmatched, they treat potential passengers like the last pair of Clarks at a sale and are skilled in boarding a moving bus. For these gentleman (and a few gentlewomen as well) there is always room for more. An overloaded bus will forever be “full a seat, full a seat” An excellent music selection is always a bonus on this particular mode of transportation. With 2 to 3 persons to a seat, drapes drawn, windows closed, AC off and speakers blaring, we don’t need to go a night club. No night session can top the niceness inside a well cocooned coaster bus. Nevertheless, they are excellent mathematicians and always cater to baby moddas and nice old ladies.

The coasters are an important addition to our street family, because they, unlike the ozone layer killing, slow, mosquito infested, eva late, eva bruk dung Chichi Bus/JUTC bus/White bus, these buses will let you off anywhere; on the corner, in the middle of the road, but rarely ever at the actual bus stop.

As for our resident bike and bicycle men. Unnuh gwann, one of these days you’ll be trying to squeeze beside the wrong vehicle. Warning: avoid them at all costs; whether you’re a pedestrian or a driver.

In Jamaica, everything comes to you; whether it’s a walking supermarket by way of a street side vendor, or a fire and brim stone sermon on a JUTC bus or an impromptu dance routine from a contestant of Dancing Dynamites in the bus park.

All in all, each of the aforementioned categories are crucial to the flavour that is everyday Jamaican living. So the next time you duh road, take a look around and bask in your surroundings. Have a little chat with your taxi man next time, give up your seat to the nice old lady with the basket full of potato pudding, and fasten your seat belt for your journey on our formerly pothole ridden streets. (Big up Portia and the POTUS every time)

God bless.